Being Aware & Mindful is the first step to Healing YourselfFeb 15, 2020
So I have a sense of achievement this morning.
However, along with that sense of achievement I am still doubting myself, beating myself up, telling myself I could have done better.
Seriously, when will this stop?
When will the SELF-CRITICISM come to an end? WHEN for fucks sake?
…. Maybe never.
Maybe it’s here to stay, but maybe it’s not about stopping it completely… It’s rather about building an awareness that this self-criticism will inevitably raise it’s ugly head, not matter what, but with an awareness and a readiness, a preparedness for it, I can then take a stand against it when it arises.
That self-criticism is simply the NOISE in my head, the lies I tell myself – it comes from the negative nelly, the lizard on my shoulder, the devil with two red horns who sits in one part of my mind, while the angel dressed in white (otherwise known as the VOICE) hangs out in the other corner.
The devil and the angel.
The NOISE and the VOICE.
They fight it out, they glare at each other, they try to outsmart each other, but in the end, you know, it’s up to me. It’s up to me to choose who I listen to. It’s up to me to choose who I align with and who’s advice I will take in any given situation.
The thing is, if I didn’t know any better I would always listen to the NOISE. For most of my life, and for the majority of the world’s population, the NOISE is all they hear. It’s so loud. It seems to speak so much truth. It’s so manipulative. It’s so negative. It’s so soul-sucking. Yet, we allow it to RULE. We allow it to take charge. We allow it tell you what you’re worth. How much (or little) you should be loved. How much money you deserve to make. How much happiness you are entitled to.
The NOISE puts limits on us.
And we let it…
Why do we listen to the soul crushing, confidence sucking, dark NOISE? When there is this little whisper of a VOICE, who only seeps into our consciousness occasionally… she tries to be louder, she tries to be noticed more often. But the NOISE is to overpowering. However, if you just stop and really listen, you’ll hear the VOICE, she’ll be the one cheering you on, telling you can do it, sending you positive, abundant, light, happy messages.
She tells you you’re good enough.
She tells you you’re worth it.
She tells you you can have anything you’ve ever dreamed of.
She tells you to go for it.
She knows you’re scared, but she also KNOWS (just as you do deep down) that you can step up to, stare in the face of, overcome, conquer any fear, any doubt, any of the NOISE – if you just listen to her, and BELIEVE in her. Believe in her whispers of truth and just go for it.
So my feeling of accomplishment this morning was from something quite small really, but big for me as I’d been struggling on this one for a while. This morning I awoke feeling accomplished as I had just smashed through a two-day detox. Two days of no food. Two days of allowing my digestive system to have a break. Two days of cleansing my body with herbs and botanicals.
For many this is not a big deal. For many it is. For me it is – crazy really, as I am confident and empowered in many areas of my life, but when it comes to food, it all falls apart! I love food, I don’t like to feel deprived of it, I use it as a crutch way too often to stuff down my emotions – I know this, which actually I’m pretty chuffed to be absolutely, completely AWARE of this, as for so many years I wasn’t.
Being aware & mindful is the first step in healing myself of this. So whilst I can step courageously on stage in front of hundreds and deliver a key-note, lead a team of entrepreneurs and blog like a boss… quitting food for two days was a HUGE ordeal for me. Of course my body isn’t going to suffer really, a few hunger pangs but hey, there’s plenty of me to keep me going for longer than two days with no food that’s for sure… but mentally is where the struggle is.
As a side note, one thing I’ve noticed is the things that I can do ‘like a boss’ are things that help other people… I put myself out of the equation and find the courage to step up for others, to help others, to serve, to lead the way… BUT when it comes to doing it purely and solely for ME, sometimes I still let myself off the hook – so there’s a couple of tricks I’m learning to get around this– you can trick the mind and say you’re doing it for others, for example make yourself accountable and that if you fail, you’re failing the people you’re accountable to. BUT also, something I’m chipping away at is putting myself FIRST – doing it wholly and solely for ME because I’m number 1 and I deserve it. Just like you do.
Anyway… back to the story!
This two-day cleanse is something for the past few months I had struggled to get through (mind you I’ve successfully done it before, but since built it up in my mind again as something I CAN’T do, seriously wtf?!).
But I get it now, I understand why… it’s because I’d been listening to the NOISE, telling me I didn’t have enough willpower, I wasn’t strong enough, I didn’t have the time, even telling me big fat lies like I didn’t NEED to a cleanse/detox (ahhh by the way, everybody NEEDS it in some capacity, whether they know it or not)… this morning I awoke, having completed it successfully, feeling healthy, clear, energized and happy….
But then the NOISE started up again – but you didn’t drink enough water, you ate a few almonds (which by the way are allowed during the cleanse!), you only had 3 serves of your special berry tea yesterday and you should’ve had four, so you FAILED….
you didn’t do this, you should’ve done that… blah blah fucking blah!
WHY, why the fuck why, should I listen to that shit? Why should I let the NOISE, the nasty NOISE dictate how I feel about something that I should be super duper proud of myself for? Why should I let the nasty NOISE rip that accomplishment away from me?
Well the answer is – I shouldn’t.
And I won’t, more importantly.
The NOISE is there, it’s always there, and it’s always going to be there. But so is the VOICE. And the VOICE is much more pleasant, constructive, positive, happy, thoughtful, forward focused to listen to … and she’s so totally in your court, she so totally has your back and you so totally need to listen to her.
The VOICE was the quieter thoughts in the background telling me how well I’d done, that I smashed it, I had conquered it. I had overcome the self-doubt, I had held myself accountable, I had stepped up to the plate with courage and I had followed through and I should be damn pleased with myself.
These are the thoughts you need to listen to. And if you tap in often enough, the whispers of the VOICE will become louder, you will start to notice the messages more often, and you will take notice and follow her lead. She will be honest with you – she will let you know if you have not followed through – but rather than calling you a loser, the VOICE will encourage you to try again, and to do better and to hold yourself accountable. Whereas the NOISE will just call you a loser!
Would you rather follow the lead of criticism, self-doubt, low-confidence, negativity, lack, victim mentality, complaining and blaming…. Or would you rather follow the voice of self-love, courage, happiness, positivity, abundance, contribution, truth, self-awareness and LOVE?
Both are inside of you. It’s your choice which you listen to. Which one you let win the battle. Which thoughts you let RULE you.
It’s always a CHOICE.
Just know that because the NOISE will raise her ugly head every now and then, you don’t have to let her hang around, just acknowledge the Noise, acknowledge that she’s coming from a place of fear. But know that if the VOICE is there telling you that you can (and she always will be), then listen for her whisper, and BELIEVE that you can do it, that you can do anything.
So as for my two-day cleanse, as for smashing through my self-doubt over whether or not I was capable, strong-willed and courageous enough… well I am.
And knowing that I am in this situation pours belief into me in all other situations in life. It’s just a mind game. It always is. You are absolutely capable of anything YOU put your MIND to. Two days with no food; standing in front of hundreds to people delivering a speech; telling someone you love them; passing that course you want to do; making the money you want… whatever it is.
Just know that it’s your CHOICE. Empower yourself. Love yourself.
And remember, NOW is the time to start living the life you deserve.
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